Commercial Writers

You know what irritates me beyond belief? And I do mean beyond belief because I’m sure no one else cares about it. It’s the unfathomable plot holes, terrifying ramifications, and overall writing that knocks out any kind of suspension of disbelief in tv commercials. For example:

  • Taclight: Who the hell is off-roading in what looks like a Replica WWII era Army Supply Truck?!?! And who is literally tossing a lantern they bought from a tv commercial behind their back into the bed of said truck then deliberately throwing a metal briefcase on it and driving around with only those things in the bed? Who is this person?! And who the hell measures anything in nautical miles just because there’s a lake nearby?!
  • iPhone 7: WHAT THIRD OR FOURTH GRADE CLASS DOES A PRODUCTION OF ROMEO AND JULIET?!?! And sure it’s all sweet with the dad filming the balcony scene but how’s an audience of parents gonna feel when a fourth grade Romeo commits suicide upon assuming that Juliet is dead, then seconds later seeing their sweet little fourth grade Juliet wake up only to commit suicide as well?!?! Despite both of them somehow getting famously difficult lines written in iambic pentameter memorized and recited flawlessly, is dad really gonna want that ending in video?! I don’t think I’ve heard of local high schools anywhere I lived, from Portland to Baton Rouge doing R&J, who the hell made the decision to make 4th graders do it?!?!
  • Any commercial where food is personified (a la Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Craves, Fruit Roll Up): two questions. One. We already eat living breathing animals, some (such as pigs) which are highly intelligent, and we as a society have largely found a way to clear our conscience of that (full disclosure, when I say we I do mean we; I am not even close to being a vegetarian or vegan). With that being said, why do you have to pile on that with the suggestion that when you rip apart a fruit roll up, you’re doing so while it presumably would be conscious? Why you gotta bring that idea into the world? Two. WHY DO ALL THESE COMMERCIALS FEATURE CANNIBOLISM?!?! You bring them to life so they can eat each other?! That’s fucked up, man. Pop Tarts are bad enough where we see a human baiting them into traps so we can burn them alive then eat them! You gotta take it one step farther and have a society where fruit roll ups eating each other on the side walk is common place?! Fucked up.
  • Any fragrance commercial: WHY ARE ALL THESE COMMERCIALS THE SAME?!?! WHY DO ALL THESE COMMERCIALS SEEM LIKE THEY CAME OUT OF A PARALLEL UNIVERSE?! Gendering aside, these have to be the most perplexing and least compelling “genre” of commercials. You hired Johnny Depp because people like seeing him! You did not hire him to reprise his role as Hunter S. Thompson’s hallucinogen induced vision of himself! Literally a commercial of him in a white background spraying himself with cologne and saying “I’m Johnny Depp and I like to smell good, which is why I wear fuckity-fuckity-who-gives-a-fuck by French Designer. Available at Macy’s, or you buy something that won’t cost you $100 a bottle” would be more compelling than him searching for his soul in the desert or whatever. And that’s not to mention all the others like where, not to kink shame or anything, there appears to be a full on orgy of people dressed in outfits heavily inspired by flamingos in a room of mirrors. Who are the marketing geniuses who seem to think that the only way to sell a fragrance is by going so abstract that Picasso and Pollack would say “huh, might wanna tone it down”? Compared to these piles of shit the Old Spice Universe makes sense! And say what you will but at least 9/10 of their commercials are funny.
  • Dos Equis: bring the old guy back. At least give us some kind of transition with both him and this guy. Also, you don’t get to just give us one “plotline” or commercial and think replaying that will be as good as having 5 or 6 different ones rotating at the same time like you had for the last guy. I’m fuckin tired of seeing him kick a coconut through giraffes, which if he misses could seriously injure a member of what could be one of the two subspecies of giraffe that is considered endangered (all subspecies are being watched but as a result of the fact that no species wide formal assessment has been conducted, giraffes in general are categorized as ‘least concern’ by the IUCN). Furthermore, as a fun fact, in my own minimal research cross referencing the countries in the top 25 for coconut production and the countries where giraffes are found, he would have to be in either Mozambique or Tanzania. Not impossible, but limited. Another thing? “He played college football in high school” is a good one… except when it’s paired with the image of some in their 50s or 60s kicking a coconut. The statement we suspend belief for because that’s part of the fun, but what are we supposed to think, he’s a 58 year old high schooler? Or you’re not showing the actual thing which is what we’re used to. Same with the “cheating death” one you stopped showing. Shoulda shown him where the viewer could tell he was cheating. Bottom line: you’re slipping.
  • KFC: you’re at your what 3rd or 4th Colonel now? How bout to keep it there and SHUT THE HELL UP DEAR LORD YOUR COMMERCIALS ARE ANNOYING!!!!! WHO IS WRITING FOR YOU?! LITERALLY GET ANYONE ELSE.
  • Bud Light & Miller Lite: you’re both mediocre at best mass produced light beers that are good for getting drunk at tailgating and basically nothing else. No one wants to see you try to fight each other just like no one wants to see me in the ring with Christian Bale during filming for The Machinist.
  • Every other commercial: YOUR CATCHY JINGLE BECOMES A GRATING, ANNOYING, MUTE BUTTON PRESSING DISASTER THE MORE YOU HAVE YOUR STAR ATHLETE HUM IT OR THE MORE YOU HAVE SEVERAL PEOPLE SING IT IN ONE COMMERCIAL, BASICALLY THE MORE YOU SHOVE IT IN THE VIEWER’S FACE!!!!!

That is all.

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